I had 6 meals today. 1 for breakfast. 2 for lunch. 1 for merienda and 2 for dinner. My mother and her friend were the only people I got to hang out with today. tsss... pathetic. I told them how it seems odd that I got to eat that much and was not contented. Tita told me I was stressed. Mama told me I was depressed. And so I thought, what the hell's the difference?

I am depressed. I can't eat right. I can't sleep right. I'm flipping channels from 8pm-11pm and I don't have anything better to do online. Doesn't it sound so fun? If my body has this futile attempt to kill itself slowly then I'd be real angry. I mean, why don't I just stick a knife in my throat and be done with it? Fear... fear I guess...afraid of the unknown ... probably one of the biggest causes of my depression... my life has turned into a big question mark.

I gotta snap out of this. The only person who could help me get through this is myself. I gotta figure out the cause of this depression of mine and eliminate it by any means necessary. I gotta try to be happy for a change. I'm sick and tired of thinking about my failures... in all aspects of my life. I gotta start living again.

Although, if my laziness kicks in, I might return to who I was before and again i'll be happy. But that would mean losing my soul. What the heck... I already lost it... ... ... no... who am I kidding? If I go back to who I was 7-8 years ago, I won't have any real friends. But I would be invulnerable ... that would be something. Nah... my conscience would eat me inside out. Ha!! This is freakin' hard. My head hurts just by entertaining the thought.

I think I'm just gonna sleep it off and let's see what happens tomorrow...

(2) venomed victims

Sa kakaunting panahon na nagtrabaho ako sa citibank, siya ang isa sa mga naging rason ko kung bakit masaya akong pumapasok araw-araw. Gusto kong makita ang ngiting parating bubulaga sayo pagpasok mo nang silid. Yung mga beaded necklace niya at bracelets na mukhang tribal and dating pero astig... bagay sa kanya. Nadadala niya.

Inaabangan ko ang break time at sinasabayan ko siya magyosi sa labas nang building. Minsan naman, magkasama naming titiisin ang baho nang smoking lounge at sisimutin ang bawat minuto sa usok at usap.

Bihira lang ako makakatagpo nang isang babaeng kayang sabayan ang jokes ko. Mga hirit ko. Bihira lang ako makakakita nang girl na sa isang iglap, mapakikisamahan ko. Laking pasasalamat ko talaga at nakilala ko siya. Laking pasasalamat ko na siya'y naging KAIBIGAN.

Pero kanina, nagkaroon ako nang pagkakamali. Di ko natandaan ang importanteng araw niya. Nainis ako sa sarili ko. Hindi ko talaga sinasadyang makalimutan ito. Gusto ko lang malaman niya na importante sa akin ang FRIENDSHIP namin at hindi ko makakalimutan ang aming napagsamahan. Kahit kakaunting panahon lang iyon. Mapatawad niya sana ako. Hindi ko na kakalimutan ito muli...

Dorene Marie M. Nunez, I'm so sorry... and I hope you had a very happy birthday...

Miss ko na samahan nating tatlo ni Arvs! When I get the chance, INUMAN ULIT kasama ang boyfriend mong gwapo na, macho pa! Ahahaaaaayyyy!!!!

(3) venomed victims

(3) venomed victims

Here I am again, about to live the life I've almost forgotten. I thought before that my former lifestyle was lonely and stagnant. Because everyday seems like nothing. I don't have a drive... a reason. I just exist. Up until I found someone to love, I was nothing. And now, I'm about to feel that same feeling again. I don't like to return to that kind of life, but I have to force myself. I lost my love. So now, I don't know what to do with my life yet again.

I guess this time will be different. I have friends. They won't leave me alone. I'll find someone to love again ... in time... it could even be sooner than I expected. But it's gonna be ok. I'm gonna be ok. Yeah... this time will be different. I'm about to go back to my former life. But now, I'm happy to be back.

Time to start a new life...

(4) venomed victims

(5) venomed victims

Alam ko... inaamin ko... di ako naging close sayo. Never ako naging close sayo. Inaamin ko rin na naging manhid ako sayo. You always wanted me to prove something. But what do you really want me to do? I was one of the smartest. I was one of the most talented. I always performed. But to whom? To whom? You only wanted me to strive to be the best I could ever be... but for whom? I didn't see any real reason as to why I need to perform and out-do myself every single time. I just did it for myself. Did it pay-off? No... I'm just a low-down... currently single ... no good individual who doesn't have a life. I did not even get the chance to do what I can really do. All the abilities I have and I couldn't even use any of it to survive in this world. Thank you... thanks for nothing.

That's how I thought I was to you... but now I came to understand... in time I became better... without me knowing it, I actually did something good. With all the pressures I had to endure... with all the problems I had to face, you actually taught me to be strong enough to shove them off. Without me knowing it, I became a better person... and it's because of you.

And now that you're suddenly gone, I did not get the chance to thank you. So I am writing this letter and I hope that my message gets to you. I always forget to say I love you. And now I will not have the chance to say it in person but I hope my heart reaches you. In time we will be together again... I hope.

"We loved you in life... much more in death... you will be in our hearts forever"

REST IN PEACE LOLA CION.

(2) venomed victims

My shattered dreams a broken heart, are mending on the shelf.

I saw you, holding hands, standing close to someone else.

Now I sit, all alone, wishing all my feelings was gone.

I gave my best to you... nothing for me to do.

But have one last cry...

Before I leave it all behind.

I gotta put you out of my mind this time... stop living a lie.

I guess I'm down to my last cry...

I was here, you were there... guess we never could agree.

Why the sun shines on you. I need some love to rain on me.

Still I sit, all alone ... wishing all my feeling was gone.

Gotta get over you... nothing for me to do...

But have one last cry...

I'm gonna dry my eyes... right after I have my...

One Last Cry...

(2) venomed victims

Nang makasama kita muli nagbalik ang mga dati kong naramdaman. Mga pinagsamahan natin ay tila alon na bigla akong tinangay upang muling buhayin ang nakaraan. Hindi ko maintindihan ang kakaibang katuwaang nararamdaman. Naglalaro sa aking isipan ang mga tanong na sadyang kinalimutan nang tadhana dahil sa mga desisyon na kailangan gampanan. Pero ngayon, muling nagbukas ang aking isipan. Muling bumalik ang mga tanong sa aking isipan.

"Paano kung naging tayo. Magiging masaya kaya?" At sa aking pagmumuni, unti-unting nagbunga nang kasagutan. "Malamang... oo"

Salamat. Kahit sa mundo nang panandaliang kasiyahan, nagkita tayo muli. Walang kupas, ako'y iyong muling pinangiti.

(1) venomed victims

Nakakainis... nakakaburat... bakit kailangan maging mahirap ang lahat. Mahirap bitiwan ang nakasanayan na. Madalas akong walang ginagawa. Sanay ako na madali lang ang lahat. Ngayong kailangan nang kumayod, pucha! Anhirap talaga... Pero ganyan ang buhay... wala tayong magagawa. Marami kang kaibigan dati, ngayon sa sobrang busy mo, wala ka nang oras sa kanilang lahat. Sino ang dapat sisihin? Sarili mo lang. Binigay mo ang buhay mo para sa isang bagay na akala mo ay walang hanggang kasiyahan mo na. Subalit biglang magbabago ang lahat. Sino ang dapat sisihin? Sarili mo lang... maling desisyon... malas... yun na. Ikaw at ikaw lang ang dahilan. Ibintang mo sa sarili mong katangahan.

Gusto ko lang magsori sa mga kaibigan ko. Sorry na di ko kayo nakakasama... kilala niyo kung sino kayo. Sorry na di ako nakakatambay kasama kayo. Wala akong magagawa... kailangan ko muna ayusin ang buhay ko ngayon. May mga bagay na kailangan kong baguhin. Nasira ang plano ko sa buhay at kailangan kong ayusin kung hindi, wala akong mapapala sa buhay ko... wala naring masisisi kundi ako. Sorry sa shortcomings ko... sorry sa ka-walang-kwentahan ko. Babawi ako pramis...

Nasanay ako sa buhay na kinagalawan ko. Akala ko kasi ito na yun. Set na ako for life. Hindi pala... Kaya kelangan ko muna ayusin ang lahat. Tapos by that time, kapag ayus na ako... kapag may bago na akong plano sa buhay ko, sana matanggap niyo ako ulit. Makikipagkatuwaan ako sa inyo ulit.

For now, sorry... mahirap lang talaga bitawan ang dati... pero kakayanin ko. Magbabago din ako.

(3) venomed victims

In your life you'll make note of a lot of people. One's with whom you shared something special with, one's who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first lost your virginity to, the one you put on the pedestal, the one you're with... and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's the person with whom everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall in the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being able to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance. How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big, inconsequentials become deal-breakers simply because, you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flash point of that fact.

Then one day, you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance ever have burned in your life. But it'll work because you are ready. It'll work because it's the right time. And you'll make it work... and it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a very different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you're single, but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be marriend with three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away is the first person you think about.

You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one that got away is. It's the biggest "What if" in you life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think you're marriage is, this could happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure you'll think about him/her every so often but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been" but it happens.

Maybe the one who got away is the one who is married. In which case, it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future, when you're old and gray and remeniscing.

** The last part is edited out to suit my decision in life today **

** This came from an email I had long ago, stored it in my hard drive, probably in anticipation of what could happen. **

** To the one that got away, I understand... in time we could still be friends**

(1) venomed victims

(4) venomed victims

Unti-unting nawawala. Ang tibok ng puso ko. Pahina at pabagal, naghuhudyat nang aking pagkabigong mabuhay pa. Mga alaalang Muntikanko na malimot, parang bagyong bumubulusok sa isipan ko. Mga Kasalanan at kakulangan ko, muling nagpakita at muling ipinimalas ang pagsisisi ko.

Tapos na ang lahat. Kelangan nalang tanggapin. Kelangan nalang matuwa sa kasalukuyang naging buhay. Sa loob nang ilang sekundo, magiging wala din ang lahat.

(2) venomed victims