I remember when I was around 11, I was walking around at the mall on an early afternoon. I checked our those new computer games being displayed. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I heard a soft but masculine voice. "Psst... pogi". I was terrified because I know I was the only other person there. So I started to walk away. After about 5 minutes, I heard that scary voice again. "Huy pogi... Ano pangalan mo?" This sent shivers to my spine. I was much to young and this man... he was towering over me. I know I couldn’t fight back. So decided to give a fake name. “Richard”. “Richard, ang gwapo mo talaga” Na-*toot* (Oral sex in tagalog) ka na ba?” This question triggered me to run as fast as I could ... to the security guard... who asked the same question. Haha just kidding. The part with guard did not happen. But this was the time when my Trauma began.

Those were the younger years when I could not differentiate homosexuality from Pedophilia. My mind was filled with negativity because of that incedent.

Fast forward to the present. I’m old enough to know the difference now. The years that I’ve garnered in this world has given me enough experience to know better. I am happy to say that my trauma is gone. Only being a boy magnet remains.

Now on to topic two.

I don’t know why but a lot of gay people seem to like somebody like me. Why? I’m not tall, dark and handsome. I’m just dark. I’m not even the very accommodating type of guy? So why choose somebody like me? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not bragging or anything. Besides... is there really something to brag about? Hmmm... very good question.

A colleague of mine said this to me a few days back “Jace, it’s not so bad”. And come to think of it. Yeah... it’s not bad! I’m actually proud that somebody likes me for me. Whether he’s a she or she’s a he or whatever! I’m happy that I am accepted for being who I am. Just the same way as I have accepted them for who they are.

I’m not a homophobic. I have Ed I have Mike I have Kiko and Mark and all of my other gay friends. They actually turn out to be true people. They make a lot of other people happy and they have come to accept that they are different. They are happy with who they are. Some of them actually turned out to be one of my very good friends, they are treasures that I am willing to keep. I love them for being them ... and I will fight with anybody who condemns them.

I just don’t like the type who stalks you and asks that dreaded question (brrr)

So, to conclude this all, I’ve just come to a better understanding of my life.

Just one of the things I’ve been thinking about while going home. Believe me, this is not even a single percentage of the confusion that is my mind.

When you wake up one morning and you only have a single piece of fish to eat. You scrounge up all of the coins lying beside your bed and find that it is enough to buy a pack of instant noodles or pancit canton. That, my friends, is the perfect example of the elements of my life working together. It is luck that allowed me to live yet another day of nightmare and poverty. Sarcasm aside though, I'm lucky to still be alive. It is my choice to go through the day and look for ways to improve the quality of my life even a little. And I do so... everyday.

Just the same goes with work. It is by chance that I was accepted to work. Knowing the kind of person I was before, I never thought I would even land a job again. Life has it's way of giving me chances to improve myself. It gives me a chance to prove to the world that I can survive on my own. I can do things better than I have done before. It is my choice to improve myself. I chose to continue working and helping others with their work. I chose to serve... and I happily do.

In life, it is by chance that you would meet somebody who would make your heart skip a beat everytime. You might not notice it. You might not know the exact answer but there's always something that attracts you to that special someone. It just so happens that this person becomes a very important part of yourself. He/She becomes your other half. There may be others who are more attractive. There may be others who are smarter, wiser.. But you will choose to stick with the one you love. For me, it is a choice to continue loving that important person in your life. I chose to love... and I've never been happier.

That is what love is all about. That is what life is all about. Chances and choices. Both are elements of my life. Both are intertwined and inseperable.