It's back again. The emptiness... the depression and sadness. It seems I can't escape the feeling. But as time passes by, a part of the pain vanishes. Wounds heal. You seem to get used to the burden until you consider it normal. You consider it as part of your life. Inevitable... despair.

It's back... the emptiness... I have no words today.

(0) venomed victims

Heto ang nagpapaburat sa buhay ko ngayon. Parang andami ko yatang kaibigan na di ako pinapansin ngayon? Anong ginawa ko? Pwede bang malaman kung ano ginagawa kong masama at para tayong nagpaplastican? Umaamin naman ako kapag kasalanan ko eh. Potah kahit di ko nga kasalanan inaankin ko parin naman ah. Ayoko nang kaaway at ayokong may hinanakit ang mga tao sa paligid ko. Lalo na kapag nakadirekta sa akin. I tried to reach out... tinanong ko kung ano problema niyo. Yung iba hindi sumagot... yung iba di sinabi at kunwari ok nalang sila... anong gusto niyong gawin ko? Ok lang bang malaman? Ok lang ba kung irequest ko na sabihin ninyo? Kaysa naman na tratuhin natin na ok lang kahit obvious naman na hindi. Bakit yung ibang tao ok lang kapag kausap niyo? Bakit ako hindi? Bakit nanahimik kayo?

Di ako pekeng tao. Kung may problema, haharapin ko kayo. Kapag nasaktan ko kayo, pwede akong lumuhod at humingi ng tawad. Kaya kong gawin lahat para bawiin ang maling nagawa ko. Tao lang ako at wala akong karapatang maglabas ng pride kapag ganun. Pero kung ayaw niyong sabihin ang problema niyo, di ko ipagpipilitan ang sarili ko sa inyo. Kung ang balak niyo ay kalimutan nalang ang nangyari ok lang sa akin yun dahil wala akong problema sa inyo whatsoever. Lapitan niyo nalang ako kung gusto niyo na. I'm done asking and expecting no solid answer. So ito na ang huling statement ko para sa inyo.

To the people I hurt ... kung kasalanan ko, I'm terribly sorry and I hope you all can find it in your hearts to forgive me. But I won't accept it just like that... you have to tell me what I did wrong so that I can change for the better. Sa mga taong naapektuhan sa dinadala kong problema ngayon, konti lang kayo at kilala niyo na kung sino kayo. Aminado ako, kasalanan ko yan. Hindi ako namimintang or gumagawa ng gulo. Naghahapit lang ako at nababaliw sa paghahanap sa kasagutan ng problema ko. At sa mga taong di ko alam ang dahilan kung bakit nagkakadedmahan tayo, bahala kayo sa buhay niyo! Basta ako wala akong problema and I feel for you guys. Di ko kayo kukulitin. Pansinin niyo nalang ako kapag ok na kayo at magiging ok na rin ang lahat sa akin. Sa ngayon, kung gusto niyo demahan, dedmahan tayo. Dati kong ugali yan... kung pinipilit ako ng mundong ibalik sa akin ang toh, gagawin ko.

Ano? Ok na masaya na tayong lahat? good... have a nice life... pohtaena...

(3) venomed victims

Simula ngayon... mag-iingat na ako. Di na ako magbabasa ng buhay ng tao. Mamimili na ako nang kamay na babasahin.

Ok lang sana kung ako lang ang nasasaktan pero maraming iba na naaapektuhan din.

Nakasira nanaman ako nang buhay.

Pati sarili ko nasaktan ko. Dapat di ko nabasa ang kamay niya. Badtrip amp.

Titiklo na muna siguro ako sa paggawa nito.

(2) venomed victims

Feet together, legs are slightly bent... almost squatting in order to get full control of your current condition. Your current standing is already painful but that doesn't end there. The fear envelopes you as you realize that you climbed this far and you're stuck.

The wind blowing against you and contradicting your direction... trying to force you to fall.

You begin to doubt yourself.

You risked a part of yourself to get into this position and now you can't move on.

You slowly weaken... you tend to think negatively now.

You begin to fear for your own well being.

The only problem is. There is no way for you to go down without hurting yourself.

And so you hold on for your dear life.

Hoping that you could be saved.

Hoping that you will be recognized from that far away.

You remain in your position.

Holding on until you couldn't.

Fighting the angry gusts of wind and the tempation to give up.

Yearning for the greatest reward that seems unreachable.

But you continue to fight.

You continue to remain.

Doom can be expected but it doesn't matter anymore.

Nothing else matters.

Only the courage to stay. The courage to accept your fate.

And the hunger to reach the seemingly unattainable goal.

(0) venomed victims

If everytime you wanted someone, they would never be there?

Wait and be patient. Never close your doors. The people around you could have problems of their own. Look for them... reach out. They might just be like you... waiting... expecting some company. Wanting to be with somebody.

If for every moment of true happiness, there would be 10 moments of sadness?

Do not be in despair. Face your problems and always look forward to the sunshine. It's always going to be different. You can only experience true happiness after the sorrow.

If the person you hold dear to your heart, does not love you like you do?

Give your love. Do not hold back. Cherish the fact that you can still be with him/her. Continue to love the other person. Love with all your heart. If it is not reciprocated, at least you have given your everything. You will have no regrets. "The measure of love is not by what you currently have but by the sacrifices that you had to endure in order to give it."

If you have lost your trust in other people?

Be optimistic but be analytical. There is no black and white. It's all a gray area when it comes to life. Keep an open mind because no two people are absolutely alike. Do not cut them out of your life. There could be a reason for everything if you could just listen. Everybody could have a reason for breaking a promise. The actions to take would only depend upon the validity of the reason. If you cut them off right away, you will loose a great deal of friends... even the good ones.

If you feel the world has lost its love?

Give it. Take the initiative... reach out to the people whom you think need it. There is a certain amount of love that you can give to everybody. If we all can develop this trait, the world would be a better place.

(1) venomed victims

The woman of my dreams:

When I first saw her I was mystified. Her china eyes captured my heart and turned my cold stares into soft yearning and admiration. She wasn't really smiling at first because she was busy fiddling with her phone and looking sternly at the other people coming in to the room. I was seated a few rows behind her and I really wanted to come close and have a closer look at the beauty that captured me. Of course embarassment and intimidation controlled me and so there I sat, not minding anything else but her -- time stopped for a moment. The mentor came in and we were all introduced.

Ahh... what a beautiful name. It was fitting for her image. Soft, tender, innocent, sweet. Almost immaculate... And then, she danced. My heart melt like butter. I've always admired women who can move their body at their command. I never stopped liking her. It was something to always look forward to. Things went ok and we all had to separate ways. I didn't get to talk to her much. But I remembered her... I promised not to forget. We were friends and we talked from time to time. I discovered this, bright, wacky and happy side of hers. It was fun, being her acquaintance. Everything went by fast after then.

Years passed and life went along in its normal, uneventful way. One fateful chance led me to her again. Her eyes met mine and eveything came back to me in a flash. I remembered her look, her face... her graceful movements... her smile. Once again, I am swept off. I thought I was being radical and senseless at first. I thought I actually was being crazy. But each day made me yearn to search for her. To see her... hear her voice... to simply be with her.

I started to reach out to her almost everyday. I don't know why this was happening but I seem to be happy being able to communicate with her in whatever means I possibly could. She started to become someone important in my life. She started to become special. My interest grew everyday. Eventually, simple chats turned to meaningful conversations, my simple actions turned to loving gestures. Circumstance led me to say it to her. Everything has changed ever since.

My heart is lighter every time I see her. My days are brighter whenever I'm with her. I found that my feelings for her go stronger and stronger everyday. I have to show her how much I am in love. However, each time I have to face my fate I wake up to the reality that I can't be with her. A bludgeoning of chance? Ill Fate? Whatever you want to call it. My greatest wish is to extend the dream and turn it to reality. Sad but true.

Perhaps one day, I would really be happy. Maybe one day she will come true. All I can do is cherish the brief moments of ecstacy. I will continue dreaming. I will not allow myself to let go. I won't expect anything else... I will not stop loving the woman of my dreams.

My Stupid Self

You can't blame me for making the wrong decision. Just like you I've experienced a lot in my life. I've had my share of hurtful events and it led me to rethink and hesitate. My actions become limited and my judgement is dulled. My stupid self takes over me and I tend to fumble on all the right things as my vision is clouded with fear -- Fear of me being the reason of more sadness on your part. I thought by staying away, I'd be able to save what's more important to you. It backfired and I made you cry. I never wanted this to happen. I never really wanted to stay away. I just thought that what happened before could happen again. History repeats itself. And again I'll be all alone. With lesser friends than I have before.

I can't blame you for being angry. I can't blame you for being hurt. Nobody should point their fingers to anybody except me. Now that I have destroyed the thing I valued the most, it hurts just as well to me as it does you. It feels unfair but I guess that's the way it's gotta be. I will take full responsibility of my actions. And I will not give up trying to regain what I have lost. I hope I am given the chance to redeem.

Please forgive this stupid side of me...

(0) venomed victims